We got my older son a phone at 12, and I regretted it. We still got my younger son a phone at the same age.
When our older son was 12, getting a phone seemed to be the trend. Many of his friends had phones before 6th grade, but those who didn’t received one at the start of middle school, so we purchased one too. Looking back, I regretted our decision, and wished we’d waited another year.
He didn’t truly need one until school sports began in 7th grade, when he was staying after school for practice and traveling around our county for track meets. Without a true need, a phone simply felt like another connection to the dangers of the internet; protecting him felt impossible.
Our younger son started middle school in September, and ever since his brother got his phone three years ago, he’s expected to receive one at the same age.
I didn’t want to give in
“He doesn’t need it,” I told my husband in August. “We know that now,” I reminded him. He takes the bus to and from school, and I can track his morning and afternoon bus routes with the Here Comes the Bus app. School sports don’t begin until next year, so we are responsible for transporting him to rec soccer practice and games ourselves; we don’t yet need to communicate about exact locations or pickup times.
But like with our older son, his friends either had phones or were getting one, and he felt left out. I’ve found that much of parenting today involves striking a balance between what I feel is safe for my children and giving them the freedom to feel they belong.
I was concerned about him having consistent access to the internet and worried he wasn’t responsible enough to keep track of a phone. Remembering the time he’d left his backpack on the bus, I pleaded with my husband, “He might misplace it — and then what?” But that was two years ago, and I wanted to believe that he was maturing. For his mental health, I also didn’t want him to feel left out.
My son convinced his dad, who then convinced me
Convincingly, my son argued that it wasn’t fair that his brother got a phone at 12, but he would have to wait. “I want to be able to text you if soccer is ending early and let you know when I’m on the bus in the afternoon,” he reasoned. I thought these were simply persuasive tactics. I didn’t believe he’d follow through, but he did.
Ultimately, my son convinced my husband, who then convinced me that it might be OK. And I’m so glad he did. He already has an iPad, and both devices are protected by parental controls, so we don’t feel as though having a phone increases his susceptibility to online dangers. On his own, he devised a plan to responsibly keep track of his phone during the school day. He places it safely in his backpack when he reaches a certain point on his morning bus route — and it stays there until he gets back on the bus in the afternoon.
I’m actually glad we got him a phone
Each day around 3 pm, I receive the text, “I’m on the bus,” and my heart feels content. Sometimes he also texts me about how a test went or his plans for tackling that evening’s homework. Often, I send him an animated GIF to remind him that I love him, and I’ll keep doing that until he asks me not to.
When he had an after-school event last week, I was able to tell him I was running late and that his grandmother would be picking him up. If he’s arriving home before me, I can simply let him know that I’ll be home soon. Giving him a phone has made him more responsible, given us the freedom to communicate schedule changes, and made him feel confident in his growing maturity. And best of all, his location is only a click away.