Why Marriage?

A recent tweet exchange between Andrew Tate and Richard Cooper lit up social media. It was brief, smug, and resonated with a growing number of disillusioned men:

“What’s the benefit of marriage for a man?”
“There is none.”

This sentiment has become increasingly common in certain circles: marriage is framed as a raw deal, a trap, or worse—a calculated loss. Influencers speak of relationships like contracts to be optimized, pleasures to be weighed, and risks to be avoided.

But what if the problem isn’t with marriage itself?

What if the problem is with how we’re thinking about marriage?

When we reduce life-defining choices to cost-benefit analyses, we end up asking the wrong questions—and missing the point entirely. Marriage isn’t just about gain or loss, fun or frustration. It’s about who we become when we give ourselves to something bigger than ourselves.

The Error of Cost-Benefit Thinking

In his 2022 interview with Tim Ferriss, economist Russ Roberts shared a story about a friend struggling to decide whether to have children. The man and his wife had created a list of pros and cons—an honest attempt to weigh the benefits and costs of becoming parents. But even after putting everything on paper, they were stuck. The numbers didn’t give them clarity. If anything, they made the decision harder.

Roberts explained why. For most of human history, people didn’t consult spreadsheets to determine whether to get married or start a family. They didn’t analyze the ROI on diapers, sleepless nights, or preschool tuition. They simply embraced these stages of life—not because they were easy or efficient, but because they were meaningful. Because they made life whole.

A cost-benefit framework might work for buying a car. But for life-defining decisions—marriage, children, calling—it’s not just unhelpful. It’s the wrong tool entirely.

That’s because these decisions aren’t about maximizing fun or minimizing inconvenience. They’re about who you’re becoming. They’re about stepping into responsibility, legacy, and love. These aren’t things you calculate—they’re things you commit to.

Lesson From Darwin

In the same interview, Russ shares another story regarding Charles Darwin’s own struggle with this question. At 29 years old, Darwin was already on a meteoric rise. He had just returned from his voyage on the HMS Beagle, and his scientific legacy was taking shape. But another question weighed on his mind: Should I get married?

Being a man of method, Darwin did what any data-driven thinker might do—he made a cost-benefit list.

His handwritten journal entry still exists, and it’s almost comically bleak. Under the “Cons,” Darwin listed things like the expense of children, the drudgery of visiting in-laws, and the fear that his wife might not enjoy city life. He worried that kids might get sick and depress him. He fretted that marriage might disrupt his scientific work. The list of downsides was long and sobering.

His “Pros”? They included vague and underwhelming perks like “female chit-chat” and “better than a dog.”

On paper, the answer was obvious: don’t do it.

And yet—he got married.

Why? Because at some point, even Darwin realized that the heart has reasons that are not quantifiable but just understood. At the bottom of the page, he scrawled “Q.E.D.”—quod erat demonstrandum, Latin for “that which was to be demonstrated,” as if he had just proven a theorem.

It wasn’t logic that led him to marriage. It was something deeper: an intuitive sense that love, companionship, and the life built with another human being couldn’t be measured like lab results.

And if the man who gave us the theory of natural selection couldn’t reduce marriage to a clean equation, maybe we shouldn’t try either.

The Quranic Vision of Marriage

While modern voices debate marriage in terms of risk, reward, and personal freedom, the Quran offers a profoundly different perspective. It doesn’t present marriage as a transaction or a lifestyle accessory. It presents it as a sign—a divine institution embedded with purpose, peace, and mercy.

[30:21] Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.

The verse begins with “Among His proofs…”—signaling that marriage itself is evidence of something greater. It’s not just a social custom or a practical arrangement. It’s a design feature of the human experience, created so that two people can find tranquility ( سَكِينَة ) in one another. Not stimulation. Not excitement. Tranquility.

And between them, God places love ( مَوَدَّة ) and mercy ( رَحْمَة )—the glue that holds a marriage together when feelings fade, finances shift, or fun gives way to fatigue. These qualities can’t be tallied on a spreadsheet. They’re not economic perks. But they’re what keep two people bonded through seasons of hardship, growth, and aging.

In stark contrast to the cold pragmatism of the Tate worldview, the Quran invites us to reflect: Are you looking for pleasure—or for peace?

For those willing to think deeply—as the verse calls us to do—marriage is not a liability. It’s a design and proof of God’s system for us.

Enough — Wisdom of Contentment

In a world that constantly asks, “What more can I get?”, there’s a quiet power in learning to say, “This is enough.”

There’s a famous story involving authors Kurt Vonnegut and Joseph Heller that captures this perfectly. The two were at a lavish party hosted by a young, wealthy hedge fund manager. Vonnegut turned to Heller and said, “Our host made more money this week than you made from Catch-22 in your entire life.”

Heller smiled and replied,

“Yes, but I have something he will never have—enough.”

That one word—enough—carries more wisdom than all the red-pill metrics and influencer soundbites combined.

Men like Andrew Tate preach the endless pursuit of more: more wealth, more women, more status, more control. But that pursuit never ends. There is always someone richer, more envied, more dominant. And chasing that ever-moving target slowly erodes the soul.

Marriage—when grounded in love and mercy—offers a different kind of reward. It may not have the adrenaline of constant new flings or the thrill of conquest, but it offers something far deeper and far rarer: peace. Where casual relationships are riddled with drama, insecurity, and emotional volatility, marriage offers stability, trust, and rest. It is not a battlefield of egos or a performance stage—it is a sanctuary. A place to be fully known and quietly loved.

Heller’s comment wasn’t just witty—it was prophetic. A man who has enough doesn’t need to dominate others. He doesn’t need to chase validation or prove his worth. He can turn his energy inward—to refine his soul, deepen his character, and nurture the people entrusted to him.

And in that quiet contentment, there is peace—the very thing the Quran says marriage was designed to give.

Learn From History

Before dismissing marriage as a losing deal, let’s take a step back and apply some common sense.

Ask yourself: What kind of person do you actually want to emulate?

Is it the man who burns through pleasures, women, and status symbols—only to grow numb and empty, leaving nothing but a wake of misery and corruption? Or is it the man who builds a life rooted in love, service, and purpose? The man who sacrifices for his family, honors his word, and lives not just for himself, but for others?

The Quran paints both portraits clearly:

[2:204] Among the people, one may impress you with his utterances concerning this life, and may even call upon GOD to witness his innermost thoughts, while he is a most ardent opponent.
[2:205] As soon as he leaves, he roams the earth corruptingly, destroying properties and lives. GOD does not love corruption.
[2:206] When he is told, “Observe GOD,” he becomes arrogantly indignant. Consequently, his only destiny is Hell; what a miserable abode.

[2:207] Then there are those who dedicate their lives to serving GOD; GOD is compassionate towards such worshipers.
[2:208] O you who believe, you shall embrace total submission; do not follow the steps of Satan, for he is your most ardent enemy.

When we live for our desires, we surrender ourselves to the whims of the self—which the Quran describes as a dangerous companion if left unchecked:

[12:53] “I do not claim innocence for myself. The self is an advocate of vice, except for those who have attained mercy from my Lord. My Lord is Forgiver, Most Merciful.”

The self craves pleasure, dominance, and self-interest. But righteousness—the kind that endures—comes from resisting those impulses and choosing love over lust, duty over ego. And what could be more righteous than devoting yourself to a spouse, showing up for your children, and being a source of mercy and stability in a chaotic world?

Even the messengers of God lived this way:

[13:38] We have sent messengers before you (O Rashad), and we made them husbands with wives and children. No messenger can produce a miracle without GOD’s authorization, and in accordance with a specific, predetermined time.

They were not detached philosophers or hyper-individualists. They were leaders who led with presence, sacrifice, and commitment. If marriage were truly a liability, God would not have chosen it as part of their example.

And when this life ends, not one of us will be asked how many followers we had, how optimized our dating game was, or how much we managed to acquire. The final jacket we wear will have no pockets.

What remains is our righteous works. And perhaps there is no more righteous work than to love faithfully, serve selflessly, and treat those around us not as means to an end—but as sacred trusts from God.

This isn’t just spiritual wisdom—it’s historical reality. As the Quran reminds us, the arrogance of materialism and self-worship has destroyed countless generations before:

[19:73] When our revelations are recited to them, clearly, those who disbelieve say to those who believe, “Which of us is more prosperous? Which of us is in the majority?”
[19:74] Many a generation have we annihilated before them; they were more powerful, and more prosperous.
[19:75] Say, “Those who choose to go astray, the Most Gracious will lead them on, until they see what is promised for them—either the retribution or the Hour. That is when they find out who really is worse off, and weaker in power.”
[19:76] GOD augments the guidance of those who choose to be guided. For the good deeds are eternally rewarded by your Lord, and bring far better returns.
[19:77] Have you noted the one who rejected our revelations then said, “I will be given wealth and children”?!
[19:78] Has he seen the future? Has he taken such a pledge from the Most Gracious?
[19:79] Indeed, we will record what he utters, then commit him to ever-increasing retribution.
[19:80] Then we inherit everything he possessed, and he comes back to us all alone.
[19:81] They worship beside GOD other gods that may be of help to them.

Let the past be a mirror. If we’re wise, we’ll take heed. If we’re sincere, we’ll choose the path of meaning, not the one of destruction.

Conclusion: Reframing the Question

The real problem in Andrew Tate’s question isn’t his conclusion—it’s the question itself.

To ask, “What’s the benefit of marriage for a man?” assumes that life must be measured in terms of material gain. It treats relationships like business contracts, people like utilities, and love like leverage. It assumes that the point of marriage is to extract something.

But what if the point is to become someone?

Marriage, in truth, isn’t about what we get—it’s about who we become. It is one of the few institutions that regularly asks us to put another’s needs above our own. And in doing so, it chisels away at the selfishness that naturally lives inside us.

The Quran speaks directly to this reality in the context of marriage:

[4:128] If a woman senses oppression or desertion from her husband, the couple shall try to reconcile their differences, for conciliation is best for them. Selfishness is a human trait, and if you do good and lead a righteous life, GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do.

God doesn’t expect perfection in our relationships—He asks for effort, growth, and sincere effort:

[4:35] If a couple fears separation, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family; if they decide to reconcile, GOD will help them get together. GOD is Omniscient, Cognizant.

Marriage is a spiritual discipline. It tests our ego, humbles our pride, and deepens our ability to love. It’s not always easy—but it is one of the surest paths to becoming a fully developed human being. And since God knows us better than we know ourselves, maybe it’s worth trusting His system and the innate instincts he placed inside mankind to want to settle down and get married.

[2:216] …But you may dislike something which is good for you, and you may like something which is bad for you. GOD knows while you do not know.

You can’t put that in a spreadsheet.
You can’t measure it in Twitter likes.
But you’ll feel it in the quiet joy of showing up, again and again, for the people you love.

That’s not weakness. That’s strength.

So maybe the real question isn’t, “What does a man get from marriage?”
Maybe it’s this:

“What kind of man do I want to be when this life is over?”

Because at the end, we won’t be judged by how much we took.
We’ll be judged by how much we gave.

And marriage—real, selfless, God-conscious marriage—might just be one of the greatest things a man can give himself to.

Selfishness led to our downfall.
Selflessness is our path to redemption.
And marriage is the soil where that selflessness can thrive.