I'm 57 and helping raise my 6 grandchildren in a crowded multigenerational home. I thought my life would be easier by now.

I turned 57 this year. I always thought that by this point in my life, I would be taking bucket-list tripstending a garden, and writing the novel I’ve always known was in me. Instead, my days are filled with wiping noses and every surface imaginable while keeping tabs on everything from medications to musical instruments.

My husband and I now live with our adult daughter and her six children, and because it makes the most sense, I take care of the kidsthe house, the dog, and everything else while the other two adults go to work.

One day, when my daughter had to take five hours of mandatory overtime, and I was losing my cool at hour 10 of juggling meltdowns and messes, it hit me. I wasn’t the fun, easygoing, they-grow-up-so-fast-so-nothing-is-worth-getting-upset-about Grammie anymore. I had become the person holding everything together, and if nothing changed, I was going to burn out.

My busy mornings show how much I care for my grandkids

On a typical morning, I hit the ground running at 6 a.m. My daughter is able to take the first grader to the bus stop before workso I’m “only” responsible for five kiddos most mornings.

After getting myself dressed and ready, I take the dog out and feed him, and then get my oldest grandson ready for the bus that picks him up at our door.

By then, the two preschoolers are awake, which means diaper changes and getting everyone dressed and fed. The middle schoolers need to be up, dressed in clean clothing (which is a bigger struggle than you’d think), and out the door on time. Somewhere in there, I’ll manage a cup of coffee and some sort of breakfast before we settle into the rest of our daily routine.

That’s when everything goes as it should. But when the 14-year-old misplaces his headphones, the dog gets frantic because of an early morning Amazon deliveryand the commotion wakes the toddler, it can feel like there’s no way I’ll make it through the day. Even then, the work doesn’t end when the workday does. It simply shifts into a different part of the day.

Loving my family doesn’t make the daily weight any lighter

I would take a bullet for every single member of my family. But the load is heavy, and I carry a lot of guilt for the moments I mourn the version of midlife I thought I would live.

It’s not that my daughter or my grandchildren are a burden; they’ve all been through more heartache and struggle than most people could imagine, and I’m so thankful we can provide emotional support.

But I’d be lying if I said I don’t sometimes long for the clean, quiet home I used to wake up to. My longing for that other life sometimes admittedly makes me cranky with my grandkids.

I had to change the way I showed up, or I wasn’t going to make it

A series of steps helped me change the way I show up without breaking myself down. I set an (almost) concrete bedtime for myself, completing tasks, chores, and self-care by 9 p.m. This gives me a little time to read or catch a podcast before getting to sleep at a decent hour.

The extra rest also allows me to get up a little earlier. Now, I have at least 30 minutes of quiet alone time while everyone else is still sleeping. It helps me start the day feeling grounded, rather than immediately pouring from an empty cup. I’ve experienced a huge shift in my attitude, and it seems to set the tone for everyone.

I’ve also started following some of the life advice I often give to the kids, like “Done is better than perfect.” I’m working on not holding myself to expectations I would never put on others. While I still won’t allow things to pile up until they’re unmanageable, I’m learning to be OK with leaving a load of laundry in the dryer for tomorrow.

Helping raise six grandchildren has reshaped my understanding of midlife

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my nearly six decades on this planet, it’s that life rarely goes as planned. Letting go of dreams is tough, especially when we’re sold a picture of how midlife ought to look — but whether it defines you is your choice.

I’m choosing to embrace my current purpose and see the significance in helping to shape the hearts and minds of six amazing human beings.

This chapter of my life is messy, exhausting, noisy, and chaotic. But at the heart of it all is unconditional love, and the simple truth I carry with me is that there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.